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Lockdown Diaries

By Rtr. Ananya Bose,

Director Editorial 2020-2021, RCNM Sunrise

It was a normal hectic day with usual panic attacks but I had no idea that 15th March 2020 would end with a bigger trauma. We were given work from home for a week after much deliberations. We all thought, we would see each other after a week, and so we made business continuity plans and what not. 6 months down the line, I have come to terms with the fact that maybe it was all in vain and the real trauma has just begun.

This lockdown has made me come face to face with all my inner demons which were feeding off me silently, and against whom I was too busy to deal with. I had battled depression in the past and I thought it couldn’t happen again. But, stuck in my 1 RK again, all alone for 4 months, made me realize that things were not that good as I was expecting them to be. The daily struggle started with the morning coffee and then proceeded with work which didn’t seem to end till it was almost time for dinner. Some days I would take some time off for preparing and having lunch. The sadness never left. The occasional tears never stopped. The drowning feeling seemed to get hold of every breath I took. I took therapy, I attended counselling, but all in vain.

To divert my mind, I tried baking and realized I’m quite good at it. I went back to writing, sketching and dancing all of which was an expert of, 5 years back. The momentary happiness helped. It helped me cope up with the feelings of my breath being stuck in my lungs. The heavy feeling lifted off for some time.

I realized, I’m privileged enough to have a home, a job, enough money to help me survive and a family (though far away from me) to take care of me and owing to that, I didn’t complain or crib. I held on to my demons, and accepted myself the way I am, damaged. I realized my damage soul didn’t change my heart, and I continued to doing good and being good with people, throughout my difficult days, without letting them know how much it took from me to reply to every text asking for help, every text asking me to contribute, every call asking me to give something and so on and so forth. I felt liberated while giving my time and efforts to people worse off and in the process I met some people (one of them being transgender activist Shri Gauri Sawant) whose words helped me cope tremendously with the feeling of being useless and hopeless.

I am still looking for the speck of life, but now, I deny feeling weak. I detest my inner demons and I keep holding on for better days owing to my faith and my belief in love.